They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
