go do what you do best...puke behind churches
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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