his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
