my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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