i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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