hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
