i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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