The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
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