he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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