I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
