You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
