i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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