I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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