I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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