I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
