Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
