Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
