alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
