We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
