I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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