If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
