i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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