Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
