Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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