If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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