I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
