Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
