I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
