I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize