When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
