I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
