i can't believe i had my finger in that
I am full of burrito and curiosity
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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