I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize