When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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