Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It was confusing and full of hummus
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize