Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
