Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize