I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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