I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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