i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
