I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
