she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
