please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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