God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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