Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
