I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
