47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
