ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
