too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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