I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
