I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize