I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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