I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize