I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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