I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
