just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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