Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
