the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
