i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
