these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize