Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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