We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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