i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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